The Truth about Courage

How to turn a bad day around

These days I am getting a lot of messages and comments telling me I am inspiring having the courage to move to the other side of the world and start a new life. I’m not saying that to blow my own horn but to give a bit of context. Generally they seem to be two types of people. Those who are inspired and take action based on what they see or those who are inspired by it but say they aren’t brave enough. I am sharing this because writing is therapeutic and I hope it helps someone else too. If you are really struggling seek professional help, there is no shame in doing so. I was really fortunate my doctors in the UK took mental health seriously. It can be a bit of a lottery at times.

I believe that courage is not something that comes naturally but takes practice. It’s about taking even the smallest step when you are overcome by fear. I’ve said many times that meditation has saved my life. I recognise my addictive tendencies but the more I practise the more I become detached from them.

It’s no secret that I have struggled with my mental health, and still do. I understand why now after reading all the books on trauma. I hit rock bottom in February 2023 when I could not see a future for myself. Sometimes that is what it takes. I had fallen into a victim mentality, focusing on the support I wasn’t getting from those who never would anyway. A switch went off in my head and I knew if I was to rebuild my life and finances, it was up to me. That’s not to say I need to do it alone without support but I can’t expect others to do it for me. (For recommended reading see the end of this article.)

Back then I could wallow for days. On the outside I hid it well yet I could go for days lying on the sofa, eating junk food and binge watching series on Netflix or Prime. I would mindlessly do sudokus or scroll on my phone.

I still have moments and yesterday was one of those. I had a lovely day on Sundat with friends. The sun was shining, it was a hot day and they showed me parts of Melbourne I hadn’t seen before. One of those friends is also helping me to get work and sponsorship. I came away feeling positive and uplifted.

However when I went to bed my mind was going overtime, overthinking.com. It’s harder at night when you’re tired and want to sleep. I was reading my book most of the night and hoped I’d eventually be too tired to read and fall asleep. It didn’t work. At 4.30 am I took a piece of paper and wrote down all those shitty thoughts. My rational mind knew they didn’t make any sense but it helped get them out. I think I did doze off for a bit about 7am.

I eventually rose about 8.30, still feeling low. It didn’t help it was cloudy outside, reflecting my mood. I was tired and didn’t want to do anything productive. I wasn’t going to put any pressure on myself though. See my previous post Giving Myself Grace. I made myself hot water and lemon juice which I do first thing every morning. A positive step. Then I did a couple of sudokus and went and sat in the park.

Still not feeling great, it was about 1pm by now, I opened my laptop. It was Monday so a new module of my writing course had arrived in my inbox. I decided I’d listen to the first module, it was only 17 minutes so I knew I could manage that, while I ate my lunch - a salad with quinoa. I am now sticking to a budget so I am not tempted to buy too many crisps and bars of chocolate!

As I started listening all sorts of self-sabotaging thoughts were still coming up - I’ll never make it as a writer, it’s too difficult, I can’t do this. I listened anyway and the rational part reminded me that by the time you come to do the assignment you will have learned what you need and if you’re unsure that is what the tutor is for! I was feeling better already.

I’ve now reached a point where I can lift myself out of a depressive episode. It has taken years of practice of sitting with my emotions and feeling them in my body. By doing that I could detach from the thoughts and see that everything is energy and I really don’t have to believe them. I have worked through suicidal ideation and thoughts of self-harm this way. This is not the same as suppressing them or trying to push them away. Rather it’s letting them move through you and remembering that everything is impermanent.

Thanks to some wonderful trauma-informed Buddhist teachers who helped me feel safe enough. I also recommend David Treleaven who has done a lot of research on trauma and mindfulness.

The Radical Embrace Singhashri and Baljit are both trauma-informed therapists. I have had the pleasure of cooking on many of their retreats. They run a lot of online events if you are unable to attend in person.

Uncontrived Mindfulness by Vajradevi Vajradevi is a trauma-informed practioner who, as well as being an ordained Buddhist has studied with David Treleaven. Likewise I have cooked on many of her retreats. She also runs online events, more details can be found on her website.

Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness by David Treleaven I was introduced to this book several years ago. It has informed my own practice as well as the way I lead meditations. He is also releasing a workbook on 1st April 2025 which you can pre-order.

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