Breaking free from the effects of addiction, loss and trauma

How I learned to set boundaries, heal from trauma and rewrite my future

Drug use in families disproportionately affects women - as do many other events. 75% of the people who reach out for support are women, most of these are mothers and, based on my experience and observations, mothers of sons. These women tend to remain hidden, unrecognised as unpaid carers.

I am mother to 3 sons. The eldest is a drug addict and alcoholic. The support groups I’ve been attending since 2010 have taught me the importance of setting boundaries. Learning to prioritise self-care helped me to change the family dynamic so the pattern doesn’t continue. Their father was a workaholic who died suddenly at 51 and his father was an alcoholic.

However addiction doesn’t happen in isolation. There is intersectionality with domestic abuse, sexism and ageism. It has a huge impact on the financial security of the family.

I’ve been feeling low over the last few days as I’ve come to understand more about coercive control and separation abuse. I was very angry - mostly at myself. Why did I read all this stuff? I came to realise that I needed to shine a light on what happened, to bring the events and their impact into my awareness so I can heal. The only way out is through. Pushing the reality aside and not facing it will not make it go away. I allowed myself to feel upset and angry and had a damn good cry. I felt a lot better afterwards! I can use my experience to raise awareness and help others.

Our systems generally don’t know how to help us heal and in many cases exacerbate the trauma. They put stigma on those who are suffering instead of offering the right support. It takes huge courage to reach out for help and work on ourselves. One of the biggest barriers to admitting you need support and asking for it is fear of judgement. That somehow we have failed. I should be able to do this on my own, right? Especially for women who are trying to hold everything together - I know that one well. Eventually everything will fall apart, coming from being afraid to ask for help for so long. Negative depictions of addiction in the media only add to feelings of guilt and shame.

For me, that was especially true in relation to my financial situation. I’m smart and well educated. I should be able to hold down a job! That only added to me feeling like I was a failure. Yet now, when I look back I can see I was failed by ‘the system’ so many times. Going back to my early 20s when I was expected to get married as living together was considered a sin. I was also told his career was important than mine and moving away from family and friends was what I had to do. I was so unhappy but I didn’t know this wasn’t normal, that my happiness mattered too.

For the last 2 years I’ve slowly been picking up the pieces of my life after hitting rock bottom in February 2023. I honestly could not see a future for myself. I was on a retreat. It was the middle of the night and pitch dark. I heard a tiny little voice in my head. ‘But Helen you deserve to live.’

My doctor prescribed anti-depressants to help stabilise my emotions. However when I collected the pills from the pharmacy it was as if a switch went off in my head. I didn’t want to become dependent on these! Anyone who knows me will know that the fact I even considered them shows I low I had become.

Then someone recommended the book Patriarchy Stress Disorder by Valerie Rein PhD. Reading that book led me down a rabbit hole. I read all the books on trauma by experts such as Peter Levine, Janina Fisher, Bessel van der Kolk, Richard Schwartz, Arielle Schwartz and many more.

It felt as if the pieces of the jigsaw were coming together. I didn’t have ADHD. I’d received a diagnosis in February 2022 but all the medical establishment did was look at the symptoms, not the cause. Now I understood why I had trouble regulating my emotions at time, despite all the meditation I’d done. I’d probably have been a lot worse if I hadn’t though! I’m not going into the science of how trauma affects the brain. I’m not an expert even though I understand it. There are plenty of books on the subject. I recognised the symptoms, in particular my struggles with executive functioning. So that’s why other people were able to have a successful career, build a business or have a happy relationship yet it hadn’t worked for me.

Healing happens in layers. There is no set timeline. I’m not a failure because I’m still affected more than 20 years after my marriage ended. Not to mention the lasting fallout from my schooling. Despite going to grammar school, an academic route didn’t suit me. That doesn’t make my stupid. I wasn’t encouraged to focus on my strengths and follow my heart. The education system hasn’t changed much over 40 years on. If anything it’s worse with creative subjects being cut. I was never ambitious in the traditional sense. I wasn’t interested in a high-flying career. I’m creative and funny. I loved cooking, writing, acting, singing and making people laugh. I still do.

I’m grateful I get the chance to start over at the age of 61. Yes there are barriers because of my age but ageism is a topic for another day. I could be feeling low anywhere so I’d rather be here in Australia, where it’s summer than in the British winter any day!

The links I share are affiliate links. There is no extra cost to you if you make a purchase but you are providing me with vital support. You can also buy me a cup of tea here: buymeacoffee.com/helenpengelly

Suggested reading:

Patriarchy Stress Disorder by Valerie Rein PhD

Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher

Introduction to Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz

It Didn’t Start With You by Mark Wolynn