Done With Drinking

What my friend said that fuelled this decision

Last week I made a life changing decision. I'm sharing it publicly so I can be held accountable and hold myself accountable more than anything else.

Late last Thursday night or in the early hours of Friday morning, I decided I'm going to stop drinking alcohol. I have a son who is an addict, I have mentioned this in previous posts.

I recently went to Adelaide for just over a month and I had a few glasses of wine at least, almost every night I was there.

I was talking to a friend on Thursday night. I'm not saying this friend was judging me or anything, but it was just something he said. We were chatting, and he'd been out having a drink with a friend of his, so we were both a bit inebriated to say the least. I said that I've been sharing almost a cask (2L) of wine with my friend every day since I've been here (in Adelaide). And he said, Oh, you realise that’s more than a bottle.

After we hung up his words stopped me in my tracks. I haven't said the same to him. He drinks a lot more than I do, but that's not my problem. It was, though, as if he was holding up a mirror. I thought, ‘I can't say anything about you drinking too much if I'm still drinking alcohol.’ It's something that I've been conscious of for a while. I don't really want to drink, and I don't when I'm on my own. I just do it when I'm with other people, because that's how we've been conditioned, that alcohol is a social thing. And I thought, you know what? I just don't want to do this any more.

It was my friend's son's 21st birthday party on Saturday. I knew that it would be a challenge to go and just enjoy myself without a drink. I don't actually need it to enjoy myself. I had a great time and danced until 1am.

On Friday I had a massage. I felt amazing afterwards. It cost AU$80 (about £40) for an hour's massage with an amazing Thai woman. I wouldn't think twice about spending that on a night out. Let's spend that money on self care instead! It's time to rejig my priorities. I'm not judging anybody else if they want to drink. Fine, but I'll probably also want to spend less time there, and look at why I want a drink and what my triggers are. Why do I need to have a drink just because somebody else is? I don't, of course, I don't. As I've shared before, my son is an alcoholic. I've often said, there but for the grace of God go I.

When my kids were younger, I didn't drink every night, but I could quite easily think I'll just have a glass of wine and end up drinking a whole bottle. So I stopped doing that. I stopped drinking on my own, but it's time. I feel like, no, it's time. This is ridiculous. Why am I doing this? I only want to put good stuff in my body. Stuff that's going to nourish me and nurture me, and do things that feed my soul and not my pain. I'm quite comfortable sitting with my pain. I've got no problem with that. I mean, I teach meditation. I've been meditating for years. If I hadn't learned to meditate, who knows where I would be?

This is the next step. It's being truly, 100% honest with myself and recognise when that mirror is being held up to me. And that's it, really. That's my decision. No more alcohol. I don't need it. I didn’t drink so much that I woke up the next day with a hangover or I passed out. At the same time though, it's still not good. I've been kind to myself about it. I'm not going to beat myself up and say, ‘Oh, I shouldn't have done this.’ ‘I shouldn't have done that,’ because you can't change the past. In recent years I've not been like that. I was doing it with more awareness. ‘I know I'm seeing my friend. I'm going to have a drink.’

I’m reminded of the poem Autobiography in Five Chapters by Portia Nelson. Now, instead of walking down the street, seeing the hole and still falling in, I'm choosing to walk down a different street.

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Big love 💖

An Autobiography in 5 short chapters - Portia Nelson

Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.
I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in.
It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V
I walk down another street.